tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84013650791734595212024-02-20T18:04:19.679-08:00Attachment Education | Chris Walker, LCSWAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8401365079173459521.post-11100588901088213552016-03-08T14:34:00.003-08:002016-03-08T14:35:44.512-08:00Adult Attachment<h2>
Adult Attachment</h2>
<div>
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Adult attachment is often examined within the framework of a scientifically designed instrument called the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) which is given by a professional specially trained to administer the evaluation. It consists of a series of questions about one’s self in relationship to one’s parents, spouse (or SO), and children. The results place the individual within one of four main categories of attachment: secure, ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">This evaluation tool can be beneficial in helping the individual understand what type of attachment patterns he/she is enacting in his/her current life. It can also predict the type of attachment patterns his/her unborn child will have. Thus, it is a powerful tool which demonstrates the connection between the past and the present, and the present and the future.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Another way of looking at adult attachment is to consider the principles generated by the field of research in light of one’s personal experiences in life. The research is explaining how a reasonably adequate (doesn’t have to be perfect) attachment experience creates the capacity for internal emotional regulation and thus enables us to have successful relationships. If one has challenges with relationships or with impulse control, anger, anxiety, depression, or other mood or emotional regulation issues, then one can reasonably conclude that there are some issues with attachment that warrant attention. The manner in which one does this could range anywhere from working with simple techniques to create internal emotional regulation in daily life, to deep emotional work with a therapist which incorporates an understanding of one’s inner child. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The following are examples of simple techniques which one can incorporate into one’s everyday life.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Establish daily routines for self-nurturance such as meditation, exercise, listening to music, dancing, etc.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Work to be aware moment by moment of how you are feeling inside. The moment you stop feeling peace, start a process of self regulation, such as deep breathing or the activities mentioned above. Deep, nurturing breathing (as well as sound) calms our stress response system.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Be present with your emotions. Allow them to rise to the surface, and pass through you like a gentle breeze, or a strong ocean wave. Emotions are simply energy which can be experienced and released. Their power is then diminished, and you will have more access to your neocortex (rational or cognitive brain).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">When you are feeling any kind of negative emotion, allow yourself to consider that there is fear underneath. Try saying to yourself, “I am feeling scared right now”, or other words with which you resonate. Breathe into it, and feel it in your body. The process of being authentically connected to your emotions in your body can provide relief, and allow the fear, or whatever emotion, to dissipate. Sometimes adding sound (like a fog horn), or tapping on trigger points helps (as in EFT). </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">When faced with behavior, either from yourself or another, which is undesirable, consider viewing it as arising from an unconscious state of fear. Your change in perception will automatically create a different set of responses in you. This principle has enormous capacity to improve relationships of all types.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Much of our communication is unconscious and non-verbal. We influence each other through our state of being. </span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Note: The idea that negative behavior is likely to be connected to an unconscious state of fear comes from the understanding that an important function of an attachment system is to create internal security and emotional regulation. Negative behavior typically arises from an internal state of stress and fear. Research regarding the development and function of the emotional brain and the chemical responses generated in the body when faced with intense emotional situations helps provide a more complete explanation. This science also explains how the expressing of and processing of negative emotional experiences within a trusting relationship provides soothing, and opens up the pathways to our thinking brain.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8401365079173459521.post-20679717968236044982016-03-08T14:31:00.001-08:002016-03-08T14:31:09.176-08:00Science Supports Loving and Compassionate Parenting<h2 style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Science Supports Loving and Compassionate Parenting</h2>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">All parents struggle with determining which parenting approach or philosophy is best for their child. With so many writers and theorists claiming to have the magic solution, what is a parent to believe? I have been excited to discover that hard science is giving us some concrete answers. Science is now confirming that loving and compassionate parenting, including parental responses of joy and delight in and with the child, is the most powerful tool available to influence children’s behavior, and to enhance their development in every area. This is in contrast to a child raising culture which has been based on controlling discipline and on logic and behavioral consequences—what I would term fear based methods.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Developmental psychology and neuroscientists, through a very large body of interdisciplinary data, are explaining that our state of mind, and our ability to be tuned into our child’s emotional experience in such a way that our child “feels felt”, enables our child to think clearly and to be compliant. Our facial expressions, tone of voice, and many forms of nonverbal communication are literally developing our baby’s and young child’s brain. This continues, at a slower pace, throughout childhood. In fact, the plasticity of the brain remains in tact through life, and can be influenced through loving relationships until the end of life.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Dr. Allan Schore, a faculty member of the UCLA School of Medicine, refers to a baby’s caretaker as the “psychobiological regulator” of the infant, meaning that she or he is the regulator of the baby’s nervous system. From thousands of interactions between baby and caretaker, and caretaker and toddler, the child develops his or her ability to manage stress and to have appropriate emotional responses to the world. These interactions cause neurons to connect, and set off a cascade of chemical reactions within the body, including the production of serotonin and dopamine, two key brain chemicals targeted by mood regulating drugs such as Prozac or Zoloft, and many others. The patterns of these interactions during the first two years of life beccome imbedded as biology, and sets the stage for the child’s response to environmental stress and stimuli throughout life. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">The experts are telling us that for optimum development, a child’s state of alertness, ranging from excitement to distress, needs to be maintained within a window of tolerance. When the prevailing emotional climate in the child’s environment is chronically outside his or her window of tolerance, the child’s development may be impeded. On the extreme, this may look like behavior problems, impulsivity, and childhood depression, or, on the opposite end of the continuum, it may look like withdrawal, anxiety, poor information processing, or a compromised attention span. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Traditional child raising and educational practices such as consequences, scolding, and various pressures to perform, can actually create an overactive amygdala (a small almond shaped portion of the limbic system in the right hemisphere of the brain at the base) which responds to stimuli with fight, flight, or freeze reactions. These responses often occur so swiftly that they do not register with the hippocampus (the part of the brain which offers a rational response to fear or anxiety). Thus, the cause of the response is outside the conscious awareness of the individual (child or adult), and, in that moment, the individual literally does not have the capacity to understand what is happening, or to have the capacity to reason and make choices. These responses can occur when there does not seem to be a rational explanation for them. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">This message is not about indulgence. But rather, it encourages us to be mindful of our own emotional state as we are providing consistency, structure, and limit setting for our children. It also encourages us to create the space in our daily interactions with our child to listen to their behavior, to encourage the expression of their emotions, and to be ready to truly receive them. Negative behavior is a form of communication which says that our child needs attention in some manner. It is up to the adults to creatively and lovingly figure out what the child needs, and in this manner, to create emotional regulation for the child. Through repeated interactions of this type, the child develops the capacity to regulate her own emotions, though assistance with this, from time to time, is needed for all human beings.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">This type of parenting requires conscious attunement to the child’s cues, and sometimes may necessitate a change in lifestyle in order to pace the child’s and the parent’s stress level. Attunement requires an undistracted parental mind. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">This paradigm shift, away from making our child responsible for negative behavior, to making ourselves responsible for regulating the emotional states of our children, can be a hard idea to swallow, especially when this runs counter to our own biological and cultural programming. To take a step in this direction, I urge you to try an experiment. The next time your child “acts up” or misbehaves, make your first response be taking deep breaths to calm yourself down. When you are truly in a state of calm, approach your child with an arm on the shoulder, warm eye contact, or some other warm gesture (if your child is very young, get down to eye level with your child), and say, “Sweetie, it seems like you are upset or stressed about something. It’s making it hard for you to _______ (fill in the blank.) Let’s you and I figure this out.” Better yet, try this approach for two weeks. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8401365079173459521.post-34770267609921462612016-03-08T14:27:00.002-08:002016-03-08T14:27:30.033-08:00The Roots of Violence: of Stress and Children<h2>
The Roots of Violence: of Stress and Children</h2>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">As a nation we are horrified by an epidemic of mass shootings at the hands of young killers and by an escalation of bullying in our schools. Though many constructive solutions have been offered, something is being left out of our national dialogue. This something is what science has to say. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Findings from decades of child development research have given us a new lens with which to understand children’s needs, and may shed some light on the escalation of violence at the hands of young people. The field is exploding with new information, yet pediatricians, educators, and mental health therapists are often unaware of this science, or the breadth of the research and its implications. Recently the American Academy of Pediatrics incorporated some of this information into a policy statement warning that toxic stress early in life, or even before birth, can harm children for life. (“Early Childhood Adversity, Toxic Stress, and the Role of Pediatricians: Translating Developmental Science into Lifelong Health” Pediatrics 2012; 129:e224-e231).</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"> The results of this research tell us that babies and young children are much more sensitive to stress and to nonverbal communication from adults than we ever knew. Scientists are also telling us that mutual interactions of joy and delight between parents and children, especially in the early years, are crucial to healthy brain development and to their ability to manage strong positive and negative emotions throughout life. This ability to regulate the highs and lows of emotional life is the key to stable mental health as an adult. Difficulties with emotional regulation are at the core of most mental health disorders. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">For children, a “felt sense” (different from an intellectual knowing) of being valued and understood on the inside is essential to the regulation of their nervous system, and their ability to have full access to their neocortex. When there is something stressful in the child’s environment— everything from mom and dad being stressed about everyday life, to a divorce, to someone died, to moving, to a medical procedure—children need to have someone they can trust to help them understand how it makes them feel. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">We now know that children can be easily traumatized by everyday events without adults realizing it. There are specific tools that can be taught to parents, to educators, and to every adult who relates to children, to help them help children manage these stressful events. This would include right brain to right brain communication which soothes the limbic system and develops autonomous emotional regulation—for example, paying attention to eye contact, tone of voice, and timing and intensity of communication; offering validating comments such as “That must have been scary!; or “So, that’s how it was for you!”; or enjoying sensory rich activities together such as kneading dough, drawing, music, playing sports, or dancing. Also, children can be taught to identify stress in their bodies, techniques to reduce their stress, and what to do if they are about to “flip their lid”. When this type of relationship connection does not happen for a child, we often see an escalation in difficult behaviors, from obstinacy to extreme violence. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Attachment Theory scientists talk about “attunement.” This is a special kind of connection with the child where the adult is completely undistracted, and can relate to the child almost as if the adult were in the mind of the child. Attunement fosters spontaneous sharing, a feeling of being understood, and allows the adult to gently explore what is on the child’s mind. Attuned communication has a huge impact on a child’s overall behavior, and builds their mirror neurons. Strong mirror neurons are what gives children the ability to have empathy for others—not moral teachings or zero tolerance policies. Empathy in turn prevents aggression and violence.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Doctors Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate, in their book Hold on to Your Kids, explain “counterwill” (disobedience) and the “the making of bullies”. They convey that, though counterwill (“I want my own way.”; “You can’t tell me what to do.” etc.) is normal in children, it can be tamed through, and only through, a strong attachment relationship, not methods to control and punish. That means that if children feel truly connected to their parents or to the adults in charge, and feel safe to lean on them emotionally, they are more likely to listen and to drop their counterwill impulses. In other words, if I, as a child, feel safe to tell you how I really feel inside about stuff, and trust that you are not going to judge my feelings or dismiss them, I am going to feel close to you and want to listen to your rules even if I do not want to. I am also going to absorb your core values. You do not have to drill them into me. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Neufield and Mate go on to describe bullying as a lack of emotional vulnerability stemming from weak attachment connections. If a child does not feel emotionally safe to lean on an adult attachment figure, then they harden their tender feelings, such as fear, anxiety, love, caring, etc., and defend them by lashing out. Or, they may turn against themselves and harm themselves. They may also try to find an attachment substitute by becoming obsessively attached to their peers and push away their parents. But this doesn’t feel safe either, because another child cannot protect them. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Mate and Neufield explain how a strong peer orientation culture is harmful to children and that; in fact, there is much about our modern life which interferes with the type of attachment relationships children need for healthy mental development.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"> So, yes, we need to get assault weapons off our streets. And, as a society, we need to stop producing bullies and mass murderers. Children are not born that way. Society creates them. No, it is not a specific gene. The science of epigenetics tells us that the caretaking environment helps to determine which genes are expressed.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I hope that we can bring this vast amount of empirical science into our local, state, and national dialogue. We have the scientific evidence to prevent violence, but will our culture and our politics allow it?</span><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8401365079173459521.post-61872975560762217732016-03-08T14:21:00.001-08:002016-03-08T14:21:38.551-08:00Principles of Couples Relationships<h2>
Principles of Couples Relationships</h2>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">1. No judgments, criticisms, or blame allowed. There is always a genuine I statement underneath all grievances. Blame and criticism triggers the threat center of the brain.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">2. You are both right.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">3. Find the genuine I statement—keep it simple and convey the most accurate emotional experience with it—“I feel hurt when you --------------------- I miss you; having quality time together is important to me, I need your support with ___________________ " etc.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">4. Emotional vulnerability is the horsepower behind close and satisfying connections.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">5. We co-regulate (or dysregulate) each other’s nervous systems and bodily functions in relationship.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">6. Our bodies were made to be in relationship and to co-regulate together.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">7. Differentiation is a key to close relationships.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">8. Boundaries must be respected.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">9. You are not responsible for each other’s feelings, but you are responsible for listening with caring.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">10. Just because your partner is mad or upset with you doesn’t mean you did something wrong. You don’t have to defend or justify. You just need to listen with empathy, and validate the experience.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">11. Emotional experience has to be aired and processed before logic can kick in. That is the way the brain and body are made. Emotional triggers are often experienced in the body without conscious awareness of them, and drive our behavior. These emotional triggers can be brought to conscious awareness by noticing internal sensations.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">12. We all respond to our partners from the past (even if we think we don’t). Working with the present can uncover past experiences which have imprinted certain patterned responses in close relationships, especially with intimate partners. These patterned responses are designed for self-protection. They are there for a good reason but do not serve us now. We can uncover these patterns by working with real life situations in the moment. We can use this awareness to take responsibility for our patterns, and make different choices in the present moment. As we discover patterns, we sit with them with curiosity and compassion.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">13. Pausing, slowing down, and deep breathing, are important tools for discovering what is underneath.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">14. Couple relationships are like the tango. You either tune in to each other and dance, or you fall over each other.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">15. We are each responsible for our own lives, and our own happiness, not our partner. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">16. There are just a few core emotions that we all are seeking in partnership: Am I loved/lovable; Am I a worthy/valuable/adequate person; Am I safe with you, will you come when I need you. Offering reassurances to your partner in these areas will grow the emotional safety bank. Emotional safety is the key to everything. Practical issues will begin to fall into place easily.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Note: Some of these principles may seem contradictory. They are not. This can be understood as we sort through real issues in real time, and see how they apply. These principles are supported by decades of evidenced based research. This information is available upon request.</span><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8401365079173459521.post-38083895379040005872016-03-08T14:17:00.000-08:002016-03-08T14:17:23.582-08:00Loving and Compassionate Parenting: A Short Summary<h2 style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Loving and Compassionate Parenting: A Short Summary</h2>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Science is now telling us that loving
and compassionate parenting is the most powerful tool available to
influence children’s behavior. This is in contrast to a child
raising culture which has been based on controlling discipline, and
on logic and behavioral consequences. Attachment researchers and
neuroscientists are explaining that our state of mind, and our
ability to be tuned into our child’s emotional experience in such a
way that our child “feels felt”, enables our child to think
clearly and to be compliant. Our facial expressions, tone of voice,
and many forms of nonverbal communication are literally developing
our baby’s and child’s brain. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"> Dr. Allan Score, famous
neuroscientist at UCLA, refers to the mother as the “psychobiological
regulator” of the infant, meaning that she is the regulator of the
baby’s nervous system. (This is also true for dad or any primary
caretaker.) From the thousands of interactions between baby and
caretaker, and caretaker and toddler, the child develops his or her
ability to manage stress and to have appropriate emotional responses
to the world. “What’s outside goes inside.” Repeated
empirical studies also show that having experiences of joy, delight,
and empathy with the parent are at the heart of healthy child
development in all domains.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">This message is not about indulgence.
But rather, it encourages us to be mindful of our own emotional state
as we are providing consistency, structure, and limit setting. It
also encourages us to create the space in our daily interactions with
our child to listen to their behavior. Negative behavior is a form
of unconscious communication which says that our child needs our
attention in some manner. It is up to adults to creatively and
lovingly figure out what the child needs.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Science is also telling us that our own
capacity as parents to be tuned into our child is largely dependent
upon how we were parented ourselves. So, to understand our own
parenting styles, we need to reflect on and to understand how we were
parented.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Resources: <i>Parenting From the
Inside Out, </i>by Dan Siegel and Mary Hartselle;<i>
</i><span style="color: blue;"><u><a href="http://www.circleofsecurity.org/">circleofsecurity.org</a>, </u></span> <span style="color: blue;"><u><a href="http://www.beyondconsequences.com/">beyondconsequences.com</a></u></span>;
Attachment Parenting books by Dr. Sears;
<span style="color: blue;"><u><a href="http://www.attachmentparentinginternational.org/">attachmentparentinginternational.org</a>.</u></span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8401365079173459521.post-91755459300076456032016-03-08T14:14:00.000-08:002016-03-08T14:14:00.189-08:00Keys for Building Secure Attachments with Your Baby<h2>
Keys for Building Secure Attachments with Your Baby</h2>
<span style="font-size: large;">1. Enjoy your baby.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">2. Delight in your baby.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">3. Be completely absorbed in your baby.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">4. Follow your baby’s lead.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">5. Respond on demand.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">6. Remember you cannot spoil a baby.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">7. Gaze at your baby.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">8. Play with your baby.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">9. Stimulate your baby, but don’t overdo it. Pace it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">10. First, calm yourself if caring for your baby becomes frustrating.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">11. Give intention to self-care. Your moods matter.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">12. Let some routine chores (like housekeeping) go.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">13. Ask the grandparents to take care of you rather than the baby.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">14. Self-reflect on how you were parented as a baby. This will give clues as to how you will respond to your baby.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">15. Read Parenting From The Inside Out by Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell, and other attachment parenting books.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">16. Be conscious of eye contact, tone of voice, and facial expressions.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">17. Seek to repair quickly if your baby has become distressed. Stay with your baby during times of distress, even if it seems that you cannot console her. Your presence matters even if it seems that it doesn’t.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">18. Have lots of skin contact.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">19. Don’t hand your baby to someone else unless your baby let’s you know it’s OK. Facilitate this transition by letting your baby know who it is and what is happening.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">20. Cultivate transition facilitating behaviors.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">21. Let your baby know you understand how she is feeling. She will understand your tone of voice, and your nonverbal language.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">22. Introduce your baby to prospective childcare providers in advance. Give your baby a chance to develop a relationship before leaving her alone with the provider.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">23. Nurture your relationship with your partner. Having a baby can strain your relationship, and your baby will know it. Learn to communicate honestly and lovingly. It is possible to stay true to yourself while also validating how your partner feels. (i.e. You don’t have to “give in” to your partner to express appreciation for how they feel.)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8401365079173459521.post-36736513483277761712016-03-08T14:10:00.002-08:002016-03-08T14:10:43.102-08:00Children of Divorce<h2>
Children of Divorce (COD)</h2>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">1. COD are, by definition, in a high state of stress. The degree of stress will vary based on many factors, such as the circumstances of the divorce, the ability of the parents to attend to their own emotions, and the ability of the parents to be present (with an undistracted mind) to the emotional states of their children.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">2. All children can cope with and manage stress, but they cannot do it alone. They must have the attention of a close adult who is present to them and engaged with them. Without such a relationship, their particular pattern(s) of stress can become imprinted into their brains and nervous system and become permanent. These patterns can then manifest as dysfunctional personality traits, and various mental health and physical disorders.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">3. High states of stress in all children can look like behavioral problems such as aggression and opposition, and might get diagnosed as ODD or CD; or it may be expressed as withdrawal, tuned out, and difficulties with attention and concentration. This pattern may get diagnosed as depression, or ADHD (ADD). Another pattern, often overlooked as a problem, is the child who is “too good”. Parents and teachers often exclaim how wonderful theses children are. They do well in school and are always well behaved. They may seem like little adults. Adults may not realize that this child is suffering inside.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">4. High levels of stress (that is stress that is beyond the child’s level of tolerance) overloads the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The gas is on the pedal (activated sympathetic nervous system SNS). But, the SNS becomes overwhelmed. So, the parasympathetic nervous system PNS (the breaks) kicks in and establishes pseudo calm. But the unexpressed energy remains in the body and creates various compensation patterns as described above—from hyper vigilant states such as anxiety, aggression, and opposition to states of hypo arousal such as shut down and tuned out. Sometimes the gas and breaks are on at the same time. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">5. The answer: build secure attachment relationships through attuned communication and genuine presence. Attuned communication is like being in the mind of the child. Presence is being with the child “in the now”. This is not about logic, rational thinking, or what make’s sense to the adult.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">6. Tools: slow down, take pauses, mirror, validate, and empathize. In addition pay attention to your body language, tone of voice, and eye contact. Notice the child’s body language. Reassure the child that you are there, not going anywhere, and that she is safe. A felt sense of protection is very important to building secure attachments. We want to be curious about the child’s emotional experience, and to have the child feel like we get it. It’s not about trying to change it. Change may occur as a result of attunement.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">7. Special challenges for COD: COD are always managing loyalty conflicts even in the best of situations. There is usually some guilt or fear about the activation of the attachment system to the other parent. The parent who has the child in the moment can help by making positive references to the other parent, especially with regard to comfort or soothing—i.e. “When you are with mommy and you are sick, she makes homemade soup for you and strokes your forehead.” Or “What does mommy do when you are sick?” “Maybe you miss mommy right now.” Pause. Give space for the child to respond. Also notice the child’s body language. “Would it be OK if I rubbed your forehead right now?”</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">For COD children, transitions are going to be challenging. They have to manage multiple emotional tasks in the moment. They are saying good-bye to one parent (letting go of that attachment system—a loss) while preparing to say hello to the other parent. This is biologically challenging to the nervous system. Parents need to slow this down as much as possible, and be prepared for rough spots. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">A child may say he doesn’t want to leave this parent and go to the other (this may feel true in the moment for the child, but not to be taken as literal truth). The departing parent can say, "We have had a lot of fun together. I know it is hard to say good bye. It is hard for me to say good bye to you too. I miss you when you are not here. I know that you miss me when you are at your mom’s. And when you are with me you miss your mom. It’s really hard to go back and forth isn’t it? This conversation could take place in the moment, or at a quiet time, when parent and child are well connected.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The attachment patterns of COD may have been challenged before the divorce because of longstanding family stress or because of the parents’ own attachment patterns.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Note: The ideas presented here are assuming that both parents have a reasonable capacity (doesn’t have to be perfect) to and are motivated to be sensitive to the child’s emotional needs. If this is not the case, then a different approach is needed. </span><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8401365079173459521.post-58614874755616608112016-03-08T14:07:00.002-08:002016-03-08T14:07:23.302-08:00Attachment Made Simple - What is Attachment?<h2>
What is Attachment?</h2>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">1. It is an evolutionary drive which is responsible for your urge to take care of and to enjoy your baby. It is an evolutionary drive which is responsible for the fact that your baby cries when she needs attention, or in some way lets you know that she needs you to care for her or play with her. It is these two urges coming together in repetitious interactions which creates attachment.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">2 It is based on decades of strong empirical evidence which began with Dr. John Bowlby in the 1940’s.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">3. Attachment patterns literally grow the brain, and become programmed in the right prefrontal cortext. It is this part of the brain which is responsible for emotional regulation (the ability to stay within an appropriate window of excitability or calm). Thus we can say that attachment creates emotional regulation for life.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"> 4. Babies’ signals that they need mom or dad are called cues. While crying is the best known cue, these cues can take many forms, such as laughing, moving towards you, reaching for you, looking at you, clinging to you, making eye contact, or a myriad of other gestures and behaviors. As the child moves out of babyhood, these cues may include temper tantrums, or an array of difficult behaviors which </span><span style="font-size: large;">look like deliberate “misbehaviors”. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">5. At the core of attachment, it’s about managing the fact that the world feels like a scary place to be, and, “Mom, Dad, I need you to protect me, and to help me understand my feelings.” </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">6. Attachment is like a circle. The baby gives a cue. The parent responds. Parent initiates a response. Baby responds. And on and on. As baby grows older, baby starts exploring the world, and moves away from mom and dad. But as she ventures out, she needs to come back to “touch base.” As she is welcomed back, she is then enabled to venture out again. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">7. This circle of moving out to explore the world, and coming back to touch base goes on through all of development. It just looks different at different ages. Children need to be welcomed back at all ages and stages of development. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">8. The attachment circle is the foundation for all domains of development—cognitive, social, emotional, and motor. If development has not gone well in one or more areas, strengthening the attachment relationship can assist with helping development get back on track. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">9. Attachment patterns begin inutero and are believed to stabilize at about 6 months of age, but can always be changed with attachment focused parenting or attachment focused therapy. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">10. Attachment patterns first develop through sensory pathways: sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste. Your baby’s entire world during the early weeks and months of life consists of what is experienced through her eyes, ears, skin, nose, and mouth. Thus, her experience of you through these pathways are the beginnings of attachment. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">11. Attachment patterns are lifelong, and can be addressed at any age, including adulthood. It’s not just for babies. Conscious, attachment parenting is appropriate for all age children. Conscious, attachment living is appropriate for all ages.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">12. Key ingredients for successful attachment relationships are interactions of joy and delight between parent and child, and attuned communication (“I get what’s on your mind”). The same is true for adults.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">13. Attachment patterns indicate how safe or fearful we experience the world at any point in time.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">14. Simple definition of an attachment disorder: <i>a very scared child.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8401365079173459521.post-46766843173848594472016-03-08T10:59:00.003-08:002016-03-08T14:22:59.343-08:00Attachment Building Stategies - Refrigerator List<h2>
Attachment Building Stategies - Refrigerator List</h2>
<div>
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">1. Accurate Reflection or mirroring.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">2. Validate.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">3. Empathize.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">4. Be Curious.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">5. Name It To Tame It.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">6. Soothe the Downstairs Brain.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">7. Engage the Upstairs Brain.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">8. Joy and delight are the doors. Have fun. Hang out. Get into your child’s world. Pleasurable engagement.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">9. Use sensory pathways—i.e. art, music, movement, textures.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">10. Dr. Dan Siegel’s parenting list</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">11. Track your own inner state, settle yourself. Breathe.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">12. Conscious Play—child takes the lead, you follow.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">13. Protection Games</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">14. Creative Opposition</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8401365079173459521.post-13751551671339857342016-03-08T10:30:00.003-08:002016-03-08T10:30:57.036-08:00Tools for Building Parent-Child Attachment and to Maintain Daily Emotional Regulation<h2>
Tools for Building Parent-Child Attachment and to Maintain Daily Emotional Regulation</h2>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">1. Establish daily routines for self-nurturance such as meditation, exercise, listening to music, dancing, etc. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">2. Work to be aware moment by moment of how you are feeling inside. The moment you stop feeling peace inside, start a process of self regulation, such as deep breathing or activities mentioned above. Perhaps it’s petting your cat.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">3. Be cognizant of the different segments of your child’s daily life, and seek to create transition facilitating experiences. For example, before separating for school, be sure you have a quiet moment to send your child off with a hug, “have a good day”, and a reminder that you will be home when they get home. Be sure to review any changes in routines for the day, and perhaps review the day. People going and coming are highly stressful for a child with a trauma history. Any new relationship—such as a substitute teacher or a Sunday school teacher can be a stressful event.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">4. Keep in mind that physical separations from you are stressful, and seek to create recovery when you reunite. For example, first thing after school, have some undistracted time, quality time.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">5. Create as many opportunities as possible to have fun together, and for your child to feel how delighted you are with them. Yes, this is more important than homework.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">6. Create sensory experiences which you enjoy together. Sensory rich experiences build attachment.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">7. Play hide and seek if your child will allow, even with teens.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">8. Creatively evoke play younger than your child’s chronological age, if your child responds positively.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">9. At the first hint of conflict or opposition with your child, breathe. Remember that your calmness can influence your child’s brain.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">10. Say no kindly, while inviting your child to express how they feel about the situation. Be calm in the face of their objections or disagreeable behavior. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">11. Encourage emotional expression at every turn—authentically and with passion...</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">12. Monitor and pace stimulation. When your child is having a meltdown, or is being oppositional, it may be that you need to reduce stress by taking an activity away, but don’t do it as punishment. Do it to help your child return to a calm state.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">13. See yourself as a conscious and mindful parent. This requires “emotional labor”, and very likely, self-reflection.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">14. We are seeking to create engaged attunement, not indulgence. Indulgence is not healthy. We can differentiate between attunement and indulgence.</span><br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8401365079173459521.post-3598526981931127182016-03-08T10:26:00.001-08:002016-03-08T10:26:28.507-08:00Parenting Tips<h2>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">PARENTING TIPS</span></h2>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">1. Parents are the emotional regulators of their children’s nervous system.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">2. Parental interactions, especially early in life, become imbedded in the biology of the child.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">3. Traumatic experiences before, during, and immediately after birth also become imbedded in the biology of the child. This would include all adoptions and all difficult births, even those where any medical issues were considered resolved.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">4. The organization of the emotional/social brain begins in the third trimester, and is complete by age two.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">5. The organization of the rational brain does not begin until about age two, and is complete at about age 3. The brain can change throughout life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">6. Interactions between parent and infant develop the baby’s brain, regulate an array of biological functions, and lay the blueprint for all future relationships.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">7. How parents talk to their child is as important, or more important, than what they say. Parents must pay attention to their tone of voice, eye contact, facial expression, and body posture. This targets the Social Nervous System (SNS).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">8. How parents are feeling inside (their own emotional regulation) drives their relationship with their child, and their child’s emotional regulation. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">9. It is the relationship, and only the relationship, not behavior modification, logic, and control which leads to desired behavior.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">10. Negative behavior, including perceived willful manipulation, is a signal that the child genuinely needs attention in some manner. It is a form of communication. It is up to the adults to determine what type of attention is needed. The core of negative behavior is usually fear.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">11. Frequent parental interactions of joy, delight, and empathy lay the foundation for healthy development in all domains.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">12. Just the physical presence of calm parents alone can be comforting and soothing to children, and help emotional regulation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">13. Time out usually exasberates the problem, causing an escalation in behavior and control battles, or compliance out of fear of disapproval, rather than true learning. Time-in is recommended as a tool to help parents and children have a calming period so they can reconnect, and the parent can help the child figure out more constructive approaches to the situation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">14. When in a stressed and worked-up state, a child (and adult) does not have access to their “thinking” brain. Emotional responses automatically by-pass the “thinking” brain (hippocampus/prefrontal cortex). Thus a child cannot learn, and a parent cannot teach.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">15. During times of stress our thinking is distorted, and our short-term memory is suppressed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">16. Many everyday experiences are stressful, and can remain in the body as trauma, if the experiences are not processed and understood. Children can be very resilient, but only with our focused attention and accurate reflection.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">17. The physical separation of parent and a young child (and sometimes an older child) during the day can be a strain on a child’s nervous system. Thus the child needs numerous touch base experiences during the day while at daycare or preschool, such as a phone call, a visit at lunch, a laminated picture of mom or dad in her pocket, a conversation about mom or dad, or simply a reminder by the substitute provider that mommy or daddy made her snack or lunch.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">18. Children need the undivided attention (at least 10-20 minutes) of their parents at the end of the school day to help them recover from the day’s separation. They also need undistracted time in the morning and before bedtime.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">19. It is through responsiveness to cues given by children that children grow to be independent, successful, and emotionally regulated adults. This is not about indulgence or spoiling, but rather, helping children learn to cope with their reactions to the world, helping them understand their emotions, and teaching them mastery of emotional skills.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">20. Attachment is built through sensory pathways. Relate right brain to right brain. Engage in sensory rich activities together.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">21. The process of relationship is more important than the immediate outcome of a specific behavior or achievement.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">These concepts are drawn from decades of attachment research integrated with neuroscience. An academic bibliography is available upon request. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8401365079173459521.post-58305381126630312492016-03-08T10:19:00.003-08:002016-03-08T10:22:00.498-08:00Parenting Strategies for All Ages <h2>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">
Parenting Strategies for All Ages </span></h2>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">1. Monitor and pace the amount of stimulation and stress your child is exposed to on a daily basis—both positive and negative.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">2. Pay close attention to the manner in which you separate from your child and reunite with your child. Your physical presence and absence matters a lot.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">3. If you need to be away from your child for a period of time (i.e. a business trip), prepare your child well, and contact your child frequently while you are gone. Provide repeated reassurances that you are thinking of them, miss them, and that you are looking forward to seeing them when you return.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">4. Your presence (or attunement) to your child with an undistracted, open, and curious mind has a powerful impact on behavior. Be mindful of your demeanor, tone of voice, and eye contact. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">5. Provide many opportunities to have pleasurable interactions with your child during which you convey how delighted you are in them, and how thrilled you are that they are in your life. This builds the trust bank.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">6. Give them at least 10 minutes of undistracted attention every morning, 20 minutes after school, and 10 minutes before bed.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">7. Convey empathy, validation, mirroring, and matching emotions as much as possible.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">8. Through your presence, validation, and engagement your child will spontaneously open up to you. Encourage their sharing what is going on in their mind. Direct questions tend to shut them down. As much as possible, enter your child’s world.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">9. When your child is doing something that is upsetting you, first step is to breathe, pause, and calm yourself down. Second step is to calm your child down if she is upset. Third step is to provide correction in a manner in which you maintain relationship connection. Do not try to teach or correct until you are both calm, even if it means leaving the issue alone for a while. <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">10. When your child is upset or expressing unhappiness about something, invite her to say more. The experience of emotional expression combined with feeling understood, in and of itself, is soothing to a child, can calm their stress, and enable them to be compliant.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">11. When encountering negative behavior, seek to understand before trying to change.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">12. Think of process and relationship being more important in parenting, than outcome or results.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">13. Remember that the strongest motivating factor for a child is your approval or disapproval. For a young child, it can feel like a life and death matter.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">14. Practice mindful parenting and attunement. This is almost like being in your child’s mind.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">15. Prepare your child for any changes, including changes in routine.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">16. Engage in self-care activities. This will help you stay calm and attuned to your child.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">17. Parent to the age presented, not chronological age. This will vary from time to time. Most children with a history of stress or trauma are not their chronological age. Respecting the presented age will help them move up the developmental ladder.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">18. Meeting presented dependency needs will help your child grow to be independent.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">19. Young children cannot tolerate long states of distress or shame.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">20. Practice self-reflection. Consider your attachment patterns.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">21. Practice self-regulation through deep breathing and somatic mindfulness.</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8401365079173459521.post-88248111246759887782016-02-22T11:53:00.004-08:002016-03-08T11:06:01.890-08:00Highlights from PARENTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 15pt;">by Dan Siegel and Mary</span> <span style="font-size: 15pt;">Hartzell, </span></span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Inside-10th-Anniversary-Self-Understanding/dp/039916510X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1456171234&sr=1-1&keywords=parenting+from+the+inside+out" style="font-size: 20px;" target="_blank">See the book here</a>.<br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 15pt;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 15pt;">"H</span><span style="font-size: 15pt;">ow
you make sense of your childhood experiences has a profound effect on
how you parent your own children.”</span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<span style="font-size: 15pt;">Research
in the field of child development has demonstrated that a child’s
security of attachment to parents is very strongly connected to the
parents’ understanding of their own early-life experiences.”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<span style="font-size: 15pt;">Mindfulness
is at the heart of nurturing relationships”.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 15pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<span style="font-size: 15pt;">When
we are preoccupied with the past or worried about the future, we are
physically present with our children but are mentally absent.
Children don’t need us to be fully available all the time, but they
do need our presence during connecting interactions. Being mindful
as a parent means having intention in your actions. With intention,
you purposefully choose your behavior with your child’s emotional
well-being in mind. Children can readily detect intention and thrive
when there are purposeful interactions with their parents.”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<span style="font-size: 15pt;">Being
able to respond in flexible ways is one of the biggest challenges of
being a parent. Response flexibility is the ability of the mind to
sort through a wide variety of mental processes, such as impulses,
ideas, and feelings, and come up with a thoughtful, nonautomatic
response.”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<span style="font-size: 15pt;">Mindsight
allows parents to see the minds of their children through the basic
signals they can perceive. The nonverbal messages of eye contact,
facial expression, tone of voice, gestures, body posture, and the
timing and intensity of response are also extremely important
elements of communication.” Sharing joy is crucial for your
child’s development.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 15pt;">It
is also crucial that we take the time to pause and reflect on our
emotional responses to our children, and to think about whether our
unresolved issues are present in our interactions with our children,
and to take responsibility for them. We can do this by becoming
aware and bringing the issues into conscious memory.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 15pt;">According
to the book, we have two types of memory: implicit memory and
explicit memory. Implicit memory is outside of our conscious
awareness. It begins at birth and lasts throughout the lifespan.
Explicit memory is our conscious memory. It begins at about age 1 ½
- 2. Our attachment patterns are stored in our implicit memory.
Many unpleasant memories are also stored in our implicit memories.
Sometimes current events, including our interactions with our
children, can trigger responses from us which come from our implicit
memory. We are then responding from past experiences, rather than
from the present, without realizing it. We can work to make our
implicit memories become explicit. In the process we are then able
to be more mindful, intentional, and fully present with our children.
We can then integrate this process into our daily lives.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<span style="font-size: 15pt;">It
is through sharing of emotions that we build connections with others.
Communication that involves an awareness of our own emotions, an
ability to respectfully share our emotions, and an empathic
understanding of our children’s emotions lays a foundation that
supports the building of lifelong relationships. As a parent, your
ability to communicate about emotions supports your child in
developing a sense of vitality and empathy. These qualities are
important for the nurturing of close, intimate relationships
through-out the life span.”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 15pt;">Example:
Your child comes in from playing, excited about the colorful beetles
he’s collected in a small open glass jar. “Look, Mommy, look
what I found, aren’t they pretty?” All you see is the
possibility of bugs loose in the house. “Get those creepy things
out of here right now,” you say sternly. Your child starts to
protest. You take him by the arm and march him toward the door.
Your child’s emotional experience was totally missed. His joy and
delight were not shared. A better response would be: “Wow, let me
see? They are colorful aren’t they? Thank you for showing them to
me. I think they will be happiest living outside.” Your child,
and all of us, needs to “feel felt”.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 15pt;">Attachment
is the psychobiological process whereby children learn to feel safe
in the world, and protected by their parents. It is essential for
healthy development to occur in all domains. It also contributes to
the physiology of brain development. Attachment researchers have
identified specific patterns of attachment. The primary categories
are: secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized. These
categories are defined in the book, and examples are given. The book
also explains how research has shown that the manner in which adults
tell their life story to another individual can reveal their own
attachment patterns. This is done through an instrument called the
Adult Attachment Interview. Examples of questions from the AAI are
in the book, and referred to as “Questions for Parental
Self-Reflection”.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 15pt;">The
final chapters of the book explain and give examples of how parents
can lose emotional control with their children because of their own
unresolved issues, and how parents can then create repair with their
children. It also talks about good parenting as establishing a
culture of compassion and empathy as a part of everyday family life.
</span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: 15pt;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 15pt;">Prepared by Chris Walker, LCSW</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 15pt;">Therapist and Parent Educator</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 15pt;">434-923-8253</span></div>
<span style="font-size: 20px;"><a href="mailto:christine@attachmenteducation.com">christine@attachmenteducation.com</a></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07035023968655837032noreply@blogger.com0