Adult Attachment

Adult Attachment

Adult attachment is often examined within the framework of a scientifically designed instrument called the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) which is given by a professional specially trained to administer the evaluation.  It consists of a series of questions about one’s self in relationship to one’s parents, spouse (or SO), and children.  The results place the individual within one of four main categories of attachment:  secure, ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized.

This evaluation tool can be beneficial in helping the individual understand what type of attachment patterns he/she is enacting in his/her current life.  It can also predict the type of attachment patterns his/her unborn child will have.  Thus, it is a powerful tool which demonstrates the connection between the past and the present, and the present and the future.

Another way of looking at adult attachment is to consider the principles generated by the field of research in light of one’s personal experiences in life.  The research is explaining how a reasonably adequate (doesn’t have to be perfect) attachment experience creates the capacity for internal emotional regulation and thus enables us to have successful relationships.  If one has challenges with relationships or with impulse control, anger, anxiety, depression, or other mood or emotional regulation issues, then one can reasonably conclude that there are some issues with attachment that warrant attention.  The manner in which one does this could range anywhere from working with simple techniques to create internal emotional regulation in daily life, to deep emotional work with a therapist which incorporates an understanding of one’s inner child. 

The following are examples of simple techniques which one can incorporate into one’s everyday life.

• Establish daily routines for self-nurturance such as meditation, exercise, listening to music, dancing, etc.
• Work to be aware moment by moment of how you are feeling inside.  The moment you stop feeling peace, start a process of self regulation, such as deep breathing or the activities mentioned above.  Deep, nurturing breathing (as well as sound) calms our stress response system.
• Be present with your emotions.  Allow them to rise to the surface, and pass through you like a gentle breeze, or a strong ocean wave.  Emotions are simply energy which can be experienced and released.  Their power is then diminished, and you will have more access to your neocortex (rational or cognitive brain).
• When you are feeling any kind of negative emotion, allow yourself to consider that there is fear underneath.  Try saying to yourself, “I am feeling scared right now”, or other words with which you resonate.  Breathe into it, and feel it in your body.  The process of being authentically connected to your emotions in your body can provide relief, and allow the fear, or whatever emotion, to dissipate.  Sometimes adding sound (like a fog horn), or tapping on trigger points helps (as in EFT).
• When faced with behavior, either from yourself or another, which is undesirable, consider viewing it as arising from an unconscious state of fear.  Your change in perception will automatically create a different set of responses in you.  This principle has enormous capacity to improve relationships of all types.
• Much of our communication is unconscious and non-verbal. We influence each other through our state of being. 

Note:  The idea that negative behavior is likely to be connected to an unconscious state of fear comes from the understanding that an important function of an attachment system is to create internal security and emotional regulation.  Negative behavior typically arises from an internal state of stress and fear.  Research regarding the development and function of the emotional brain and the chemical responses generated in the body when faced with intense emotional situations helps provide a more complete explanation.  This science also explains how the expressing of and processing of negative emotional experiences within a trusting relationship provides soothing, and opens up the pathways to our thinking brain.

The Roots of Violence: of Stress and Children

The Roots of Violence: of Stress and Children

As a nation we are horrified by an epidemic of mass shootings at the hands of young killers and by an escalation of bullying in our schools.  Though many constructive solutions have been offered, something is being left out of our national dialogue.  This something is what science has to say.  

Findings from decades of child development research have given us a new lens with which to understand children’s needs, and may shed some light on the escalation of violence at the hands of young people. The field is exploding with new information, yet pediatricians, educators, and mental health therapists are often unaware of this science, or the breadth of the research and its implications.  Recently the American Academy of Pediatrics incorporated some of this information into a policy statement warning that toxic stress early in life, or even before birth, can harm children for life.  (“Early Childhood Adversity, Toxic Stress, and the Role of Pediatricians:  Translating Developmental Science into Lifelong Health” Pediatrics 2012; 129:e224-e231).

 The results of this research tell us that babies and young children are much more sensitive to stress and to nonverbal communication from adults than we ever knew. Scientists are also telling us that mutual interactions of joy and delight between parents and children, especially in the early years, are crucial to healthy brain development and to their ability to manage strong positive and negative emotions throughout life.  This ability to regulate the highs and lows of emotional life is the key to stable mental health as an adult.  Difficulties with emotional regulation are at the core of most mental health disorders.  

For children, a “felt sense” (different from an intellectual knowing) of being valued and understood on the inside is essential to the regulation of their nervous system, and their ability to have full access to their neocortex.  When there is something stressful in the child’s environment— everything from mom and dad being stressed about everyday life, to a divorce, to someone died, to moving, to a medical procedure—children need to have someone they can trust to help them understand how it makes them feel.  

We now know that children can be easily traumatized by everyday events without adults realizing it.  There are specific tools that can be taught to parents, to educators, and to every adult who relates to children, to help them help children manage these stressful events.  This would include right brain to right brain communication which soothes the limbic system and develops autonomous emotional regulation—for example, paying attention to eye contact, tone of voice, and timing and intensity of communication; offering validating comments such as “That must have been scary!; or “So, that’s how it was for you!”; or enjoying sensory rich activities together such as kneading dough, drawing, music, playing sports, or dancing.  Also, children can be taught to identify stress in their bodies, techniques to reduce their stress, and what to do if they are about to “flip their lid”. When this type of relationship connection does not happen for a child, we often see an escalation in difficult behaviors, from obstinacy to extreme violence. 

Attachment Theory scientists talk about “attunement.”  This is a special kind of connection with the child where the adult is completely undistracted, and can relate to the child almost as if the adult were in the mind of the child.  Attunement fosters spontaneous sharing, a feeling of being understood, and allows the adult to gently explore what is on the child’s mind.  Attuned communication has a huge impact on a child’s overall behavior, and builds their mirror neurons.  Strong mirror neurons are what gives children the ability to have empathy for others—not moral teachings or zero tolerance policies.  Empathy in turn prevents aggression and violence.

Doctors Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate, in their book Hold on to Your Kids, explain “counterwill” (disobedience) and the “the making of bullies”. They convey that, though counterwill (“I want my own way.”; “You can’t tell me what to do.” etc.) is normal in children, it can be tamed through, and only through, a strong attachment relationship, not methods to control and punish.  That means that if children feel truly connected to their parents or to the adults in charge, and feel safe to lean on them emotionally, they are more likely to listen and to drop their counterwill impulses. In other words, if I, as a child, feel safe to tell you how I really feel inside about stuff, and trust that you are not going to judge my feelings or dismiss them, I am going to feel close to you and want to listen to your rules even if I do not want to. I am also going to absorb your core values.  You do not have to drill them into me. 

Neufield and Mate go on to describe bullying as a lack of emotional vulnerability stemming from weak attachment connections.  If a child does not feel emotionally safe to lean on an adult attachment figure, then they harden their tender feelings, such as fear, anxiety, love, caring, etc., and defend them by lashing out.  Or, they may turn against themselves and harm themselves. They may also try to find an attachment substitute by becoming obsessively attached to their peers and push away their parents.  But this doesn’t feel safe either, because another child cannot protect them. 

Mate and Neufield explain how a strong peer orientation culture is harmful to children and that; in fact, there is much about our modern life which interferes with the type of attachment relationships children need for healthy mental development.

 So, yes, we need to get assault weapons off our streets.  And, as a society, we need to stop producing bullies and mass murderers.  Children are not born that way.  Society creates them.  No, it is not a specific gene.  The science of epigenetics tells us that the caretaking environment helps to determine which genes are expressed.

I hope that we can bring this vast amount of empirical science into our local, state, and national dialogue. We have the scientific evidence to prevent violence, but will our culture and our politics allow it?

Keys for Building Secure Attachments with Your Baby

Keys for Building Secure Attachments with Your Baby

1. Enjoy your baby.

2. Delight in your baby.

3. Be completely absorbed in your baby.

4. Follow your baby’s lead.

5. Respond on demand.

6. Remember you cannot spoil a baby.

7. Gaze at your baby.

8. Play with your baby.

9. Stimulate your baby, but don’t overdo it.  Pace it.

10.  First, calm yourself if caring for your baby becomes frustrating.

11.  Give intention to self-care.  Your moods matter.

12.  Let some routine chores (like housekeeping) go.

13.  Ask the grandparents to take care of you rather than the baby.

14.  Self-reflect on how you were parented as a baby. This will give clues as to how you will respond to your baby.

15.  Read Parenting From The Inside Out by Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell, and other attachment parenting books.

16.  Be conscious of eye contact, tone of voice, and facial expressions.

17.  Seek to repair quickly if your baby has become distressed.  Stay with your baby during times of distress, even if it seems that you cannot console her.  Your presence matters even if it seems that it doesn’t.

18.  Have lots of skin contact.

19.  Don’t hand your baby to someone else unless your baby let’s you know it’s OK.  Facilitate this transition by letting your baby know who it is and what is happening.

20.  Cultivate transition facilitating behaviors.

21.  Let your baby know you understand how she is feeling.  She will understand your tone of voice, and your nonverbal language.

22.  Introduce your baby to prospective childcare providers in advance.  Give your baby a chance to develop a relationship before leaving her alone with the provider.

23.  Nurture your relationship with your partner.  Having a baby can strain your relationship, and your baby will know it.  Learn to communicate honestly and lovingly.  It is possible to stay true to yourself while also validating how your partner feels.  (i.e. You don’t have to “give in” to your partner to express appreciation for how they feel.)

Children of Divorce

Children of Divorce (COD)

1.  COD  are, by definition, in a high state of stress.  The degree of stress will vary based on many factors, such as the circumstances of the divorce, the ability of the parents to attend to their own emotions, and the ability of the parents to be present (with an undistracted mind) to the emotional states of their children.

2. All children can cope with and manage stress, but they cannot do it alone.  They must have the attention of a close adult who is present to them and engaged with them.  Without such a relationship, their particular pattern(s) of stress can become imprinted into their brains and nervous system and become permanent. These patterns can then manifest as dysfunctional personality traits, and various mental health and physical disorders.

3. High states of stress in all children can look like behavioral problems such as aggression and opposition, and might get diagnosed as ODD or CD; or it may be expressed as withdrawal, tuned out, and difficulties with attention and concentration.  This pattern may get diagnosed as depression, or ADHD (ADD).  Another pattern, often overlooked as a problem, is the child who is “too good”.  Parents and teachers often exclaim how wonderful theses children are.  They do well in school and are always well behaved.  They may seem like little adults.  Adults may not realize that this child is suffering inside.

4. High levels of stress (that is stress that is beyond the child’s level of tolerance) overloads the autonomic nervous system (ANS).  The gas is on the pedal (activated sympathetic nervous system SNS).  But, the SNS becomes overwhelmed.  So, the parasympathetic nervous system PNS (the breaks) kicks in and establishes pseudo calm.  But the unexpressed energy remains in the body and creates various compensation patterns as described above—from hyper vigilant states such as anxiety, aggression, and opposition to states of hypo arousal such as shut down and tuned out.  Sometimes the gas and breaks are on at the same time.  

5. The answer:  build secure attachment relationships through attuned communication and genuine presence. Attuned communication is like being in the mind of the child. Presence is being with the child “in the now”. This is not about logic, rational thinking, or what make’s sense to the adult.

6.  Tools: slow down, take pauses, mirror, validate, and empathize.  In addition pay attention to your body language, tone of voice, and eye contact. Notice the child’s body language. Reassure the child that you are there, not going anywhere, and that she is safe.  A felt sense of protection is very important to building secure attachments.  We want to be curious about the child’s emotional experience, and to have the child feel like we get it.  It’s not about trying to change it.  Change may occur as a result of attunement.

7. Special challenges for COD: COD are always managing loyalty conflicts even in the best of situations.  There is usually some guilt or fear about the activation of the attachment system to the other parent.  The parent who has the child in the moment can help by making positive references to the other parent, especially with regard to comfort or soothing—i.e. “When you are with mommy and you are sick, she makes homemade soup for you and strokes your forehead.” Or “What does mommy do when you are sick?”  “Maybe you miss mommy right now.” Pause.  Give space for the child to respond.  Also notice the child’s body language. “Would it be OK if I rubbed your forehead right now?”

For COD children, transitions are going to be challenging.  They have to manage multiple emotional tasks in the moment.  They are saying good-bye to one parent (letting go of that attachment system—a loss) while preparing to say hello to the other parent.  This is biologically challenging to the nervous system.  Parents need to slow this down as much as possible, and be prepared for rough spots.  

A child may say he doesn’t want to leave this parent and go to the other (this may feel true in the moment for the child, but not to be taken as literal truth).  The departing parent can say, "We have had a lot of fun together.  I know it is hard to say good bye.  It is hard for me to say good bye to you too.  I miss you when you are not here.  I know that you miss me when you are at your mom’s.  And when you are with me you miss your mom.  It’s really hard to go back and forth isn’t it?  This conversation could take place in the moment, or at a quiet time, when parent and child are well connected.

The attachment patterns of COD may have been challenged before the divorce because of longstanding family stress or because of the parents’ own attachment patterns.

Note:  The ideas presented here are assuming that both parents have a reasonable capacity (doesn’t have to be perfect) to and are motivated to be sensitive to the child’s emotional needs.  If this is not the case, then a different approach is needed. 

Attachment Made Simple - What is Attachment?

What is Attachment?

1. It is an evolutionary drive which is responsible for your urge to take care of and to enjoy your baby. It is an evolutionary drive which is responsible for the fact that your baby cries when she needs attention, or in some way lets you know that she needs you to care for her or play with her. It is these two urges coming together in repetitious interactions which creates attachment.

2  It is based on decades of strong empirical evidence which began with Dr. John Bowlby in the 1940’s.

3.  Attachment patterns literally grow the brain, and become programmed in the right prefrontal cortext.  It is this part of the brain which is responsible for emotional regulation (the ability to stay within an appropriate window of excitability or calm).  Thus we can say that attachment creates emotional regulation for life.

 4.  Babies’ signals that they need mom or dad are called cues.  While crying is the best known cue, these cues can take many forms, such as laughing, moving towards you, reaching for you, looking at you, clinging to you, making eye contact, or a myriad of other gestures and behaviors.  As the child moves out of babyhood, these cues may include temper tantrums, or an array of difficult behaviors which look like deliberate “misbehaviors”.  

5.  At the core of attachment, it’s about managing the fact that the world feels like a scary place to be, and, “Mom, Dad, I need you to protect me, and to help me understand my feelings.”  

6.  Attachment is like a circle.  The baby gives a cue.  The parent responds. Parent initiates a response.  Baby responds.  And on and on.  As baby grows older, baby starts exploring the world, and moves away from mom and dad.  But as she ventures out, she needs to come back to “touch base.”  As she is welcomed back, she is then enabled to venture out again.  

7.  This circle of moving out to explore the world, and coming back to touch base goes on through all of development.  It just looks different at different ages.  Children need to be welcomed back at all ages and stages of development.  

8.  The attachment circle is the foundation for all domains of development—cognitive, social, emotional, and motor.  If development has not gone well in one or more areas, strengthening the attachment relationship can assist with helping development get back on track.  

9.  Attachment patterns begin inutero and are believed to stabilize at about 6 months of age, but can always be changed with attachment focused parenting or attachment focused therapy. 

10.  Attachment patterns first develop through sensory pathways:  sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste. Your baby’s entire world during the early weeks and months of life consists of what is experienced through her eyes, ears, skin, nose, and mouth.  Thus, her experience of you through these pathways are the beginnings of attachment.  

11.  Attachment patterns are lifelong, and can be addressed at any age, including adulthood.  It’s not just for babies.  Conscious, attachment parenting is appropriate for all age children.  Conscious, attachment living is appropriate for all ages.

12.  Key ingredients for successful attachment relationships are interactions of joy and delight between parent and child, and attuned communication (“I get what’s on your mind”).  The same is true for adults.

13.  Attachment patterns indicate how safe or fearful we experience the world at any point in time.

14.  Simple definition of an attachment disorder:  a very scared child.

Attachment Building Stategies - Refrigerator List

Attachment Building Stategies - Refrigerator List

1.  Accurate Reflection or mirroring.

2. Validate.

3. Empathize.

4. Be Curious.

5. Name It To Tame It.

6. Soothe the Downstairs Brain.

7. Engage the Upstairs Brain.

8. Joy and delight are the doors.  Have fun.  Hang out.  Get into your child’s world.  Pleasurable engagement.

9. Use sensory pathways—i.e. art, music, movement, textures.

10. Dr. Dan Siegel’s parenting list

11. Track your own inner state, settle yourself.  Breathe.

12. Conscious Play—child takes the lead, you follow.

13. Protection Games

14. Creative Opposition

Highlights from PARENTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT

by Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell, See the book here.

"How you make sense of your childhood experiences has a profound effect on how you parent your own children.”

“Research in the field of child development has demonstrated that a child’s security of attachment to parents is very strongly connected to the parents’ understanding of their own early-life experiences.”

“Mindfulness is at the heart of nurturing relationships”.

“When we are preoccupied with the past or worried about the future, we are physically present with our children but are mentally absent. Children don’t need us to be fully available all the time, but they do need our presence during connecting interactions. Being mindful as a parent means having intention in your actions. With intention, you purposefully choose your behavior with your child’s emotional well-being in mind. Children can readily detect intention and thrive when there are purposeful interactions with their parents.”

“Being able to respond in flexible ways is one of the biggest challenges of being a parent. Response flexibility is the ability of the mind to sort through a wide variety of mental processes, such as impulses, ideas, and feelings, and come up with a thoughtful, nonautomatic response.”

“Mindsight allows parents to see the minds of their children through the basic signals they can perceive. The nonverbal messages of eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, gestures, body posture, and the timing and intensity of response are also extremely important elements of communication.” Sharing joy is crucial for your child’s development.

It is also crucial that we take the time to pause and reflect on our emotional responses to our children, and to think about whether our unresolved issues are present in our interactions with our children, and to take responsibility for them. We can do this by becoming aware and bringing the issues into conscious memory.

According to the book, we have two types of memory: implicit memory and explicit memory. Implicit memory is outside of our conscious awareness. It begins at birth and lasts throughout the lifespan. Explicit memory is our conscious memory. It begins at about age 1 ½ - 2. Our attachment patterns are stored in our implicit memory. Many unpleasant memories are also stored in our implicit memories. Sometimes current events, including our interactions with our children, can trigger responses from us which come from our implicit memory. We are then responding from past experiences, rather than from the present, without realizing it. We can work to make our implicit memories become explicit. In the process we are then able to be more mindful, intentional, and fully present with our children. We can then integrate this process into our daily lives.

“It is through sharing of emotions that we build connections with others. Communication that involves an awareness of our own emotions, an ability to respectfully share our emotions, and an empathic understanding of our children’s emotions lays a foundation that supports the building of lifelong relationships. As a parent, your ability to communicate about emotions supports your child in developing a sense of vitality and empathy. These qualities are important for the nurturing of close, intimate relationships through-out the life span.”

Example: Your child comes in from playing, excited about the colorful beetles he’s collected in a small open glass jar. “Look, Mommy, look what I found, aren’t they pretty?” All you see is the possibility of bugs loose in the house. “Get those creepy things out of here right now,” you say sternly. Your child starts to protest. You take him by the arm and march him toward the door. Your child’s emotional experience was totally missed. His joy and delight were not shared. A better response would be: “Wow, let me see? They are colorful aren’t they? Thank you for showing them to me. I think they will be happiest living outside.” Your child, and all of us, needs to “feel felt”.

Attachment is the psychobiological process whereby children learn to feel safe in the world, and protected by their parents. It is essential for healthy development to occur in all domains. It also contributes to the physiology of brain development. Attachment researchers have identified specific patterns of attachment. The primary categories are: secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized. These categories are defined in the book, and examples are given. The book also explains how research has shown that the manner in which adults tell their life story to another individual can reveal their own attachment patterns. This is done through an instrument called the Adult Attachment Interview. Examples of questions from the AAI are in the book, and referred to as “Questions for Parental Self-Reflection”.

The final chapters of the book explain and give examples of how parents can lose emotional control with their children because of their own unresolved issues, and how parents can then create repair with their children. It also talks about good parenting as establishing a culture of compassion and empathy as a part of everyday family life.

Prepared by Chris Walker, LCSW

Therapist and Parent Educator

434-923-8253

christine@attachmenteducation.com