Principles of Couples Relationships

Principles of Couples Relationships

1. No judgments, criticisms, or blame allowed.  There is always a genuine I statement underneath all grievances.  Blame and criticism triggers the threat center of the brain.

2. You are both right.

3. Find the genuine I statement—keep it simple and convey the most accurate emotional experience with it—“I feel hurt when you --------------------- I miss you; having quality time together is important to me, I need your support with ___________________ "  etc.

4. Emotional vulnerability is the horsepower behind close and satisfying connections.

5. We co-regulate (or dysregulate) each other’s nervous systems and bodily functions in relationship.

6. Our bodies were made to be in relationship and to co-regulate together.

7. Differentiation is a key to close relationships.

8. Boundaries must be respected.

9. You are not responsible for each other’s feelings, but you are responsible for listening with caring.

10. Just because your partner is mad or upset with you doesn’t mean you did something wrong.  You don’t have to defend or justify.  You just need to listen with empathy, and validate the experience.

11. Emotional experience has to be aired and processed before logic can kick in.  That is the way the brain and body are made.  Emotional triggers are often experienced in the body without conscious awareness of them, and drive our behavior.  These emotional triggers can be brought to conscious awareness by noticing internal sensations.

12. We all respond to our partners from the past (even if we think we don’t).  Working with the present can uncover past experiences which have imprinted certain patterned responses in close relationships, especially with intimate partners. These patterned responses are designed for self-protection.  They are there for a good reason but do not serve us now.  We can uncover these patterns by working with real life situations in the moment.  We can use this awareness to take responsibility for our patterns, and make different choices in the present moment.  As we discover patterns, we sit with them with curiosity and compassion.

13. Pausing, slowing down, and deep breathing, are important tools for discovering what is underneath.

14. Couple relationships are like the tango.  You either tune in to each other and dance, or you fall over each other.

15. We are each responsible for our own lives, and our own happiness, not our partner. 

16. There are just a few core emotions that we all are seeking in partnership: Am I loved/lovable; Am I a worthy/valuable/adequate person; Am I safe with you, will you come when I need you.  Offering reassurances to your partner in these areas will grow the emotional safety bank.  Emotional safety is the key to everything.  Practical issues will begin to fall into place easily.

Note:  Some of these principles may seem contradictory.  They are not.  This can be understood as we sort through real issues in real time, and see how they apply.  These principles are supported by decades of evidenced based research.  This information is available upon request.