Tools for Building Parent-Child Attachment and to Maintain Daily Emotional Regulation

Tools for Building Parent-Child Attachment and to Maintain Daily Emotional Regulation

1. Establish daily routines for self-nurturance such as meditation, exercise, listening to music, dancing, etc. 

2. Work to be aware moment by moment of how you are feeling inside.  The moment you stop feeling peace inside, start a process of self regulation, such as deep breathing or activities mentioned above.  Perhaps it’s petting your cat.

3. Be cognizant of the different segments of your child’s daily life, and seek to create transition facilitating experiences.  For example, before separating for school, be sure you have a quiet moment to send your child off with a hug, “have a good day”, and a reminder that you will be home when they get home.  Be sure to review any changes in routines for the day, and perhaps review the day.  People going and coming are highly stressful for a child with a trauma history.  Any new relationship—such as a substitute teacher or a Sunday school teacher can be a stressful event.

4. Keep in mind that physical separations from you are stressful, and seek to create recovery when you reunite.  For example, first thing after school, have some undistracted time, quality time.

5. Create as many opportunities as possible to have fun together, and for your child to feel how delighted you are with them.  Yes, this is more important than homework.

6. Create sensory experiences which you enjoy together.  Sensory rich experiences build attachment.

7. Play hide and seek if your child will allow, even with teens.

8. Creatively evoke play younger than your child’s chronological age, if your child responds positively.

9. At the first hint of conflict or opposition with your child, breathe.  Remember that your calmness can influence your child’s brain.

10. Say no kindly, while inviting your child to express how they feel about the situation.  Be calm in the face of their objections or disagreeable behavior.  

11. Encourage emotional expression at every turn—authentically and with passion...

12. Monitor and pace stimulation.  When your child is having a meltdown, or is being oppositional, it may be that you need to reduce stress by taking an activity away, but don’t do it as punishment.  Do it to help your child return to a calm state.

13. See yourself as a conscious and mindful parent.  This requires “emotional labor”, and very likely, self-reflection.

14. We are seeking to create engaged attunement, not indulgence.  Indulgence is not healthy.  We can differentiate between attunement and indulgence.