Children of Divorce

Children of Divorce (COD)

1.  COD  are, by definition, in a high state of stress.  The degree of stress will vary based on many factors, such as the circumstances of the divorce, the ability of the parents to attend to their own emotions, and the ability of the parents to be present (with an undistracted mind) to the emotional states of their children.

2. All children can cope with and manage stress, but they cannot do it alone.  They must have the attention of a close adult who is present to them and engaged with them.  Without such a relationship, their particular pattern(s) of stress can become imprinted into their brains and nervous system and become permanent. These patterns can then manifest as dysfunctional personality traits, and various mental health and physical disorders.

3. High states of stress in all children can look like behavioral problems such as aggression and opposition, and might get diagnosed as ODD or CD; or it may be expressed as withdrawal, tuned out, and difficulties with attention and concentration.  This pattern may get diagnosed as depression, or ADHD (ADD).  Another pattern, often overlooked as a problem, is the child who is “too good”.  Parents and teachers often exclaim how wonderful theses children are.  They do well in school and are always well behaved.  They may seem like little adults.  Adults may not realize that this child is suffering inside.

4. High levels of stress (that is stress that is beyond the child’s level of tolerance) overloads the autonomic nervous system (ANS).  The gas is on the pedal (activated sympathetic nervous system SNS).  But, the SNS becomes overwhelmed.  So, the parasympathetic nervous system PNS (the breaks) kicks in and establishes pseudo calm.  But the unexpressed energy remains in the body and creates various compensation patterns as described above—from hyper vigilant states such as anxiety, aggression, and opposition to states of hypo arousal such as shut down and tuned out.  Sometimes the gas and breaks are on at the same time.  

5. The answer:  build secure attachment relationships through attuned communication and genuine presence. Attuned communication is like being in the mind of the child. Presence is being with the child “in the now”. This is not about logic, rational thinking, or what make’s sense to the adult.

6.  Tools: slow down, take pauses, mirror, validate, and empathize.  In addition pay attention to your body language, tone of voice, and eye contact. Notice the child’s body language. Reassure the child that you are there, not going anywhere, and that she is safe.  A felt sense of protection is very important to building secure attachments.  We want to be curious about the child’s emotional experience, and to have the child feel like we get it.  It’s not about trying to change it.  Change may occur as a result of attunement.

7. Special challenges for COD: COD are always managing loyalty conflicts even in the best of situations.  There is usually some guilt or fear about the activation of the attachment system to the other parent.  The parent who has the child in the moment can help by making positive references to the other parent, especially with regard to comfort or soothing—i.e. “When you are with mommy and you are sick, she makes homemade soup for you and strokes your forehead.” Or “What does mommy do when you are sick?”  “Maybe you miss mommy right now.” Pause.  Give space for the child to respond.  Also notice the child’s body language. “Would it be OK if I rubbed your forehead right now?”

For COD children, transitions are going to be challenging.  They have to manage multiple emotional tasks in the moment.  They are saying good-bye to one parent (letting go of that attachment system—a loss) while preparing to say hello to the other parent.  This is biologically challenging to the nervous system.  Parents need to slow this down as much as possible, and be prepared for rough spots.  

A child may say he doesn’t want to leave this parent and go to the other (this may feel true in the moment for the child, but not to be taken as literal truth).  The departing parent can say, "We have had a lot of fun together.  I know it is hard to say good bye.  It is hard for me to say good bye to you too.  I miss you when you are not here.  I know that you miss me when you are at your mom’s.  And when you are with me you miss your mom.  It’s really hard to go back and forth isn’t it?  This conversation could take place in the moment, or at a quiet time, when parent and child are well connected.

The attachment patterns of COD may have been challenged before the divorce because of longstanding family stress or because of the parents’ own attachment patterns.

Note:  The ideas presented here are assuming that both parents have a reasonable capacity (doesn’t have to be perfect) to and are motivated to be sensitive to the child’s emotional needs.  If this is not the case, then a different approach is needed.